The Little Girl that Felt Not in Control of Her Experience

Dear Survivor,

I’ve spent much of my life feeling disconnected from my body, my desires, and my own sense of self and autonomy. It started when I was very young—experiences that were confusing and intense, happening repeatedly over the years. At the time, I didn’t understand boundaries or consent. I only knew that something inside me felt off, even when others around me seemed to normalize it. Eventually, it became so normalized I learned how to enjoy it. Maybe for survival, maybe because to some extent it started to feel like routine, safety.

Then, one year, it stopped. And instead of relief, I felt rejection. I remember feeling like I had done something wrong, like my body and my feelings were “bad.” That was the beginning of shutting down, of keeping people at a distance, of believing my needs and desires weren’t safe or acceptable. I didn't feel like I could trust myself.

In college, I entered a relationship that mirrored this pattern. It started with emotional intensity and closeness, but slowly, my worth became tied to someone else’s approval. I became dependent, and when the relationship became sexual, I didn’t realize how control and manipulation were being used. Toward the end, I started to become more wary of him and resistant to being emotionally and physically available to him, and he responded by doing whatever he could to regain control. I was held down, emotionally and physically, and my body remembered all the early lessons I had learned about shame, control, and rejection. It almost felt safer to comply and ride the emotional wave of my partner than to listen to the discomfort and fear within my own body.

When it ended, I was devastated. And I don't know what hurt more, that he left me for another woman or that I let it carry on for so long. I stopped eating. I stopped going to class. I questioned everything about myself. And I sought therapy. I sought healing. And it wasn't until I experienced energy healing for the first time that I realized how disconnected I was from myself and my body. Disconnecting from myself never left me feeling more safe, it only kept me in a loop of distrust for myself. That was the first step of reclaiming my life, but the journey has been ongoing ever since.

I often say I became a hypnotherapist because I needed one. It gave me the tools to regulate my nervous system and connect to the parts of myself that needed to be heard. Through this healing journey, I’ve recognized the patterns that I've learned, how they influenced the way I show up in relationships, and how they shaped my understanding of my own value. I’ve re-learned what it means for me to love and feel safe in my body...and I'm continuously reinforcing this for myself. Especially for the little girl that once felt confused and ashamed and not in control of her experience.

I share this story not to relive the pain, but to remind other women who may feel disconnected, shamed, or silenced: your experiences do not define your worth. Your body, your boundaries, your desires, and your voice are yours to reclaim.

Healing is possible. Power is reclaimable. Your womb is your safe space. And the more we speak, the more we remind ourselves—and each other—that we are not alone.

- Jill

Photographed by Ashlee Fleming Media