You are Allowed to Destroy the Shame that was Never Yours to Own

Dear Survivor,

For a long time, I lived under the weight of a lie: that I had "blown up" my own life. I spent years mourning lost opportunities and grieving the trajectory I thought was ruined forever. I looked back at the girl I was in high school and the woman I was in college and I punished myself for the wreckage. I spent years asking, "Where were the adults?"

If I could reach back through time to those versions of myself—and if I could speak to her right now—this is what I would say: It was not your fault. You do not have to carry the burden of what was done to you. The wreckage wasn't the end of your life; it was just the clearing of the ground so you could build something indestructible.

What happened, happened. I don’t try to rewrite that narrative, but I have changed how I use the experience. My healing didn’t happen in my head; it happened in my body. Through physical work and wellness, I learned to love this home again.

Last year, during this photoshoot, I felt something "strange" for the first time: I felt beautiful. I felt powerful. I realized that I am not a victim. I am a powerhouse. I am a critical thinker, a problem-solver, and a leader who can see the end goal and carry everyone there. I have taken that old pain and turned it into the fuel that makes me unstoppable.

When things feel heavy and you start to rehash the past, I challenge you to rehash all of it. Don't just look at the harm—look at the good things you did in spite of it. Look at the things you never thought you could do, but you did anyway.

I am here as the adult I once needed. I am here to tell you that you are allowed to be bold, you are allowed to be vulnerable, and you are allowed to destroy the shame that was never yours to own.

You aren't just surviving. You are becoming a light. And once you realize how powerful you truly are, nothing can stop you.

- Ella

Photographed by Ashlee Fleming Media